Does the Lettuce Go at the Top or the Bottom?

Tonight I was in charge of making dinner — a rarity. Since I'm not much of a chef, dinner consisted of sandwiches.

When I set down the meal in front of my wife, she made a remark about how I always make sandwiches "upside-down." I put the lettuce at the bottom, with the meat and cheese on top.

"Ha, you're kidding, right?" I said. "The lettuce is supposed to go at the bottom. What, did you not grow up in this country?"

Kelly insisted that, in fact, putting the lettuce *above* the meat is more common.

Since this seemed like the most absurd notion imaginable, I suggested settling the matter with a quick Internet search.

What we found shocked and horrified me.

The truth is, most "American" sandwiches put the lettuce above the meat.

McDonalds

Burger King

Wendy's

Quiznos

This is astounding. I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of "The Sixth Sense."

I now wonder if I'm not a sleeper agent, programmed during the Cold War by the Soviets (who got a few of the details wrong). Did they forget to activate me because of the breakup of the U.S.S.R.?

And what will I discover next?

Stephen Baldwin is the best Baldwin? Black licorice is edible? Soccer is a spectator sport?

The mind reels.