Is This Pirate School Even Accredited?

Elliot recently received this shirt.

"Learn how to say, 'Argh!'"?

I think we can all agree that pirates say, "Arrr" not "Argh."

From the International Talk Like a Pirate Day website:

Arrr! — This one is often confused with arrrgh, which is of course the sound you make when you sit on a belaying pin. "Arrr!" can mean, variously, "yes," "I agree," "I'm happy," "I'm enjoying this beer," "My team is going to win it all," "I saw that television show, it sucked!" and "That was a clever remark you or I just made." And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr!

"Argh" is what Jon says on "Garfield."

BuboBlog Reviews 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2'

(I told you I would get back on the movie-review horse — this is my third in the past six weeks. As always, I post my reviews just slightly too late for them to be of use to anyone. To wit, here's "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2," after everyone has already moved on to "Cowboys & Aliens.")

Well, this it. I've now read the seven Harry Potter books and seen the eight Harry Potter movies. I think on balance it was time well spent, though I never felt like the movies quite captured the excitement of the books. The early films were too hurried, and the later ones seemed to struggle to hide J.K. Rowling's endless contrivances (where's the suspense if every problem can be solved with magic?).

It also occurs to me that there isn't a single line of dialogue from the series that's a bona fide catch-phrase. Eight movies, and no "Show me the money," "Luke, I'm your father," "I'll be back" or "Go ahead, make my day." I suppose at least young people can entertain themselves by reciting the names of spells: "Avada kedavra!"

That said, the final installment came about as close to perfection as the series ever did. It was gorgeously shot, and the special effects finally seemed to catch up with Rowling's imagination. The dragon crashing through Gringotts, the hovering Dementors, the stone knights protecting Hogwarts — they all looked amazing. I recommend seeing the film in 3-D, even though it was a "retrofit job" like "Clash of the Titans." Many of the death scenes involve characters exploding into bits, making good use of the 3-D visuals. Even Nagini the snake — poorly rendered in the earlier films — looked passable here (it helps that the filmmakers cleverly shot Nagini attacking a character from the other side of a frosted window).

At the outset of the film, Professor Snape has seized control of Hogwarts and is running the school with an iron fist (wand?). The children are in uniform and march in perfect formation. It occurs to me that this "Harry Potter" could be reedited to make it seem like Snape is the hard-driving principal in "Lean on Me."

Harry Potter returns to campus after his extended camping trip in the previous film, setting the stage for a showdown with Voldemort and his army of Death Eaters. (Question about the costumes of the Death Eaters: Some appear to be wearing menacing robes, but others are dressed in cheesy street clothes? It gave the impression that a group of soccer hooligans had wandered onto the set.)

Ralph Fiennes finally gets some decent screen time as Voldemort, and he puts in good work. I'm not sure why he had to hold his wand at such a dainty angle, though. He might have benefited from dual wield or at least a "Menace II Society" sideways style. The close-quarters fight scene with Harry Potter didn't help. At one point, it really looked like they were going to make out. I also was waiting for Ron or Neville to shout out, "They're breakdance fighting!"

When it was all over, the film took a very faithful approach to the book's epilogue. In fact, it might have been too faithful. The last line is something fairly specific about the sorting hat. I wasn't sure that was quite the right thought to sum up all eight films and the journey we've taken. But it was a great trip nonetheless.

BuboBlog Rating: 3.5 asterisks (out of 4)

Tree or Cell Tower?

There's this tree on our street in Berkeley. For months, I was certain it was a Verizon cell tower disguised as a tree. (I assumed it was Verizon because otherwise my AT&T service would be better.)

It turns out, the tree is real!

But that just raises the question: If a tree is going to look fake anyway, shouldn't we just replace it with a cell tower?

The Birth of (Infantile) Humor: Part 2

As I've discussed before, we've made a point of teaching our kids the real words for things (including embarrassing anatomical parts), rather than using baby talk.

I had hoped this would give Elliot a certain degree of maturity — and unlike me, he wouldn't giggle when he heard these kinds of words.

Well, it seems like the giggling is inevitable.

The other day Elliot and I were looking at Alice's "Winnie the Pooh" book.

On one page, Roo is giving peanuts to a baby elephant.

"Why is he doing that?" Elliot asked.

"Because elephants like to eat peanuts."

Elliot started laughing.

"Why are you laughing?" I asked.

"Penis."

"I said, 'peanuts.'"

He kept laughing.

"Why would it be funny if I had said 'penis'?"

"Because you can't eat a penis."

Oh.

I guess that is kind of funny.

Baby Born in McDonald's Bathroom

It's often been said that you give birth at McDonald's, but you sell the baby at Taco Bell.

Okay, maybe no one has ever said that, but it appears to have been established by recent events.

Following the attempted sale of an infant at Taco Bell, a Newark, N.J., mom delivered her baby at a Mickey-D.'s.

The child was delivered in the bathroom, so he's a kindred spirit with Alice. Fortunately, it all went smoothly, and the baby and mom are healthy.

As Digital Underground informed us, it's perfectly fine to get "busy in a Burger King bathroom." So you have to wonder how the other fast-food giants are represented in the circle of life.

Is Subway where you go to die?

Out of the Mouths of Toddlers

Spaceship Earth has made another trip around the sun since my last birthday, and so it's time to reflect on my advancing age.

Fortunately, I no longer have to wonder if I'm getting old — I have people here to confirm it!

The other day Elliot was thirsty, so he picked up a glass of water from Kelly's nightstand and prepared to drink it.

I stopped him because the glass had been sitting there for a couple days. "You don't want that, Elliot. That water is very old."

"Okay, Daddy," he said. And then he tried to get me to drink it.

"What are you doing? I don't want that."

"Why not?"

"I told you, it's old."

"But YOU'RE old."

Sigh.

"It doesn't work that way."

Baby Prices Soar 1,667 Percent

Wow, we really must be out of the recession.

Back in June 2010, I noted two incidents of people attempting to sell their babies. The asking price: $25 and $30.

Now there's news out of Washington state of a woman demanding as much as $5,000 for her newborn — at a Taco Bell.

From the Chronicle's Mommy Files blog:

Heidi Lynn Knowles, 36, of Vancouver, Wash., reportedly stumbled into the restaurant and started taking bids from customers for her newborn son. The asking price ranged from $500 to $5,000. The cops were later called and showed up at a motel where Knowles was crashed. She was charged with attempted child selling-buying, a Class C felony, and was held on $50,000 bail.

Now, this woman sounds pretty nuts and I certainly don't condone baby-selling, but why do these people always pick such terrible venues?

In the earlier incidents, the parents tried to strike deals in the parking lots of Walmart and PetSmart. If anything, Taco Bell is worse. The customer base has been enticed there by "Why Pay More" value meals. You think they have $5,000 for a baby?

How hard would it be to wait outside Whole Foods until you can discreetly approach a childless couple in their late 30s or early 40s? The average cost of adopting a baby from China is $19,000 to $23,000. I'm sure they'd jump at a chance to get one for five grand.

Maybe we just never hear about those cases.

Is San Francisco Less Honest Than Chicago?

Walking across Justin Herman Plaza yesterday morning, I came across several racks of bottled tea from Honest Tea (a division of Coca-Cola). The stand was unattended, with a sign asking people to pay $1 into a box if they took a bottle.

Apparently this was a national promotion involving 12 cities across America — "a social experiment," according to the company, to test how honest people were.

It turns out Chicago was the most honest city: A whopping 99 percent of people paid. That was followed by Boston (97 percent), Seattle (97 percent), Dallas (97 percent), Atlanta (96 percent) and Philadelphia (96 percent).

San Francisco ranked eighth, with a 93 percent score. (New York and Los Angeles were the worst, at 86 percent and 88 percent, respectively.)

I wonder if this test was fair to San Francisco. I imagine they set up shop in Chicago near a pristine stretch of Michigan Avenue.

Justin Herman Plaza, meanwhile, is flanked by a homeless encampment — on the western edge, along the Embarcadero. Can you blame them for helping themselves to some free bottles of tea? (Or as they call them, "mixers.")

A homeless person trying that in Chicago (jf such a person still exists) would be dragooned in about five minutes.

Big Brother Is Watching

I like this shirt — another treasured hand-me-down.

But does it imply that Elliot is a fan of intrusive surveillance?

Colorforms Stick Around

Until recently, I though Colorforms had vanished from the Earth at some point in the mid-1980s. The last one I recall doing was the classic "Welcome Back Kotter" edition.

It belonged to a friend, and even back then, it was fairly old. I'm pretty sure Horshack's hat was missing, so what was the point really?

So I was excited to discover that Colorforms are still available. In fact, according to a recent story in the Chronicle, they're now sold by a San Francisco company (University Games, which is located South of Market).

Elliot is a big fan, even if his placement of objects shows little respect for aesthetics or the laws of physics.

These days, Colorforms seem to be aimed more at younger kids. There are sets devoted to "Yo Gabba Gabba," "Go Diego Go" and "Super Why," but no prime-time sitcoms.

I guess they're assuming the current generation isn't clamoring for Colorforms versions of "Mike & Molly" or "Cougar Town."

QT-BAGL Is Back and Better Than Ever!

Remember QT-BAGL, my solution to the LGBTQ(A) community's hard-to-pronounce acronym?

I first proposed it in 2009, upon hearing that asexual people wanted to be added to the LGBTQ term. But even though I've been promoting QT-BAGL (pronounced "cutie bagel") for almost two years now, it's been slow to catch on.

Well, I just heard about something that may help. There's a story in the Chronicle about another group that's petitioning to join LGBT, etc.: "ecosexuals."

From the article:

Elizabeth Stephens and Annie Sprinkle are a legally married same-sex couple, having tied the knot in Canada in 2007. But they don't consider lesbianism their primary sexual identity.

First and foremost, they are ecosexuals. Taking tree-hugging to a whole new level, Stephens and Sprinkle have married the moon, the sky, the ocean, the Appalachian Mountains and the snow in a series of color-coordinated, nudist-friendly weddings that have attracted hundreds of people.

Putting aside the fact that these two are clearly funded by a secret conservative cabal (who else would want to see Middle America's deepest fears about same-sex marriage come true?), this means we can now add an "e" to QT-BAGL.

Ladies and gentlemen (and trees), introducing: QT-BAGEL!

What an improvement! (I even gave him/her a new hat to celebrate the occasion.)

Please, can this become a thing now?

UPDATE: Unfortunately, it seems I'm not the only one with a solution to the acronym problem. I discovered on Wikipedia that people are proposing all sorts of LGBT variants.

From Wikipedia's LGBT entry:

The magazine Anything That Moves coined the acronym FABGLITTER (from Fetish such as the BDSM lifestyle community, Allies or poly-Amorous as in Polyamorous couples became more used, Bisexual, Gay, Lesbian, Intersexed, Transgender, Transsexual Engendering Revolution or inter-Racial attraction), although this term has not made its way into common usage.

Another acronym that has begun to spread is QUILTBAG, from Queer/Questioning, Undecided, Intersex, Lesbian, Trans, Bisexual, Asexual, Gay.

Clearly they have done some thinking on this topic. And as a straight blogger with kids who lives in the suburbs, I may not be regarded as an authority on this topic.

But do any of their terms have cute mascots?

Alice in 'Very Funny'

Elliot proves again that he's Alice's favorite person. I'm hoping I at least rank in the top three.

'Sad Dad'

My favorite part of "Hop on Pop" has to be the pages devoted to the utterly despondent dad.

You just don't see this much in kids' books anymore — demoralized parents who've clearly lost their will to live. I myself often come home from the office, strip down to only my rumpled tie, and then clasp my hands together while I wait for sweet release.

Elliot asked why the dad is sad, and I said he probably had a bad day at work.

Then he asked why it was bad. I said I didn't know. Elliot thought about it for a moment and said, "Maybe his computer stopped working."

That would do it.

'Ride the Bus With Us'

As I age, I find I'm increasingly making pop-culture references that no one gets. Whether it's Ayds candy, "That's My Mama" or the episode of "Fantasy Island" with the possessed girl, my allusions aren't as well received anymore. Heck, even a mention of "Whoot, There It Is" vs. "Whoomp! (There It Is)" is drawing blank stares. In my 20s, it might have been hip to be obscure. Now it just means I'm old.

Sometimes it's just a case of hailing from a different geography, like when I drop a reference to the "Ride the Bus" commercial. This jingle has been rattling around my head for more than 20 years, and I subconsciously feel like it should be a broad cultural touchstone. And yet, if you didn't live in the Monterey Bay area in the early 1990s, you've probably never heard it.



That means if I hum this at work, I'm not going to get people joining in for the chorus (or the part where the lady does that nifty vocal flourish). Oh well. Their loss, because the song just keeps getting better with age.

The Birth of Humor

Kelly was telling Elliot some jokes.

Example: "Why did the man throw a clock out the window?"

"He wanted to see time fly."

Elliot thought the jokes were funny. Or at least, he knew he was supposed to think they were funny (it's hard to imagine he understood any of the puns).

So he made up his own.

"Why did the tiger come and get me?"

"To take me to France!"

Nobody got it, but Elliot tittered to himself for a bit.

'Tintin' Full Trailer Released

It's been a while since I last blogged about the upcoming "Tintin" film, so here's an update: They've now released the full trailer to promote the movie, which is directed by Steven Spielberg. (Thanks for the tip, BuboBlog Philadelphia correspondent Guy.)



I'm still not sure I'm entirely comfortable with the motion-capture approach. If you wanted to be faithful to the books, it would be better to use conventional animation — you could make it look exactly like Herge's illustrations. Here, you don't get the fidelity to Herge and you don't get real actors. So I wonder if the trade-off is worth it.

Putting that aside, the film is certainly intriguing. Tintin is no stranger to gunplay and chase scenes, but they've never looked this exciting. Even the flutter of his famous hair tuft is dramatic.

It appears that they're combining FOUR books to make the story: "The Crab with the Golden Claws," "The Shooting Star," "The Secret of the Unicorn" and "Red Rackham's Treasure." The inclusion of "Golden Claws" allows the filmmakers to show Tintin's first meeting with Captain Haddock. (I wonder if they'll attempt to play down his out-of-control alcoholism?)

Some of the dialogue rang false to me. Tintin mentions that he can fly a plane because he "interviewed a pilot once." As loyal Tintin fans know, he almost never refers to any kind of journalism — despite that ostensibly being his profession.

He's also very earnest and unflappably upbeat, so the sarcastic line about how they've gotten into a "fine mess" seemed a little off. Maybe this Tintin is a bit of a douche.

Lastly: There's no sign of any gay stuff between him and Haddock. But there also are no women in the trailer whatsoever (aside from a few in the background of the early scene). I heard that Bianca Castafiore will make a cameo, but I don't see her character listed on the IMDB page. We may have to wait until the sequels.

Someone Please Stop Me Before I Customize Another Onesie

I created this for Alice on CafePress.

Her initials repeated are AT-AT. Get it?

Mostly I feel guilty for creating truly awful hand-me-downs. Where am I going to find another Alice T. to give this to?

It reminds of the time I was in the L.L. Bean outlet in Ellsworth, Maine, and came across a pink polo shirt customized with the name "Merrill." It was only discounted 15 percent. Really? 

Pancake Redemption

Remember when I botched Mother's Day breakfast by failing to know how to make pancakes? At the time I wondered why pancakes aren't sold in Pillsbury-style cookie-dough tubes.

The pancake-tube idea drew a range of responses. Some felt the notion was "idiotic," while others felt it might be practical — so long as the target market was idiotic.

They already have Shake 'n Pour Bisquick. It's pretty hard to dumb that down much further.

Anyway, I want everyone to know that I eventually redeemed myself and made old-fashioned pancakes for the family. It just wasn't until several weeks later, and I used a kit that my mother-in-law sent in the mail. Thanks, Judy!

Even with the kit, the directions were fairly complex. I had to both (a) provide my own eggs and (b) be skilled enough to break them.

The result was satisfactory — if not aesthetically pleasing.

Does this qualify me to join the slow-food movement? I do live in Berkeley now.

'Daddy, Are You Drunk?'

Elliot and I were walking to the cafe on the corner when he asked to be picked up.

After telling him he was being a lazybones, I hoisted him up.

Elliot was quiet for a moment and then said, "Daddy, are you drunk?"

"What? Where did you hear that word?"

"I don't know."

"Was it Zoe?" (Zoe is his more sophisticated friend — she's 3.)

"No."

He must have sensed my apprehension: "I was just joking, Daddy," Elliot said. "I think."

This all took me by surprise. I was preparing for discussions on sex and death, but I didn't think I'd have to explain the effects of alcohol to a 2-year-old. He always seemed satisfied with my describing spirits as "mommy-and-daddy drinks."

Fortunately, I had the moral authority that came with it being 10 o'clock in the morning.

"Well, I'm not."

Does Anyone Need a Baby-Formula Machine?

I was intrigued to read about this new BabyNes device (pictured, left). It automatically mixes and warms baby formula with the touch of a button — basically, it's like a cappuccino maker for infants. It's only available in Switzerland right now, but it will launch worldwide next year.

The catch is it costs $300, and requires special formula capsules. They add $650 annually to the cost of feeding a baby — beyond regular formula.

I'm conflicted about this product. On one hand, I'm incredibly lazy, so it has some appeal. On the other hand, I'm very cheap. And it would seem especially hard to justify for us because Alice has been drinking breast milk in addition to formula. (She's weening now.)

But mainly it doesn't take the really painful part out of the process. When your baby cries in the middle of the night, the thing you least want to do is get out of bed. Since this device appears to need a water supply, I'm not sure it's practical to keep bedside.

If you're truly lazy (and can afford to overpay for formula), you're better off getting the single-use formula bottles and just storing them by your bed. It also helps if you don't give a crap about the environment.

Then the only trick is making sure your kid is OK drinking room-temperature formula. If not, you buy this bottle warmer (below) and keep it bedside. It's $35.28 on Amazon.

If money is really no object, you'd just have a night nurse. So the truly rich probably have little need for any of this stuff. You might as well force the help to mix the formula by hand.

Chumans Get Wikipediafied

Speaking of intelligent primates: I don't know how I've missed this until now, but there's a fairly extensive Wikipedia page devoted to one of my favorite topics: chumans! (Thanks for the tip, BuboBlog Philadelphia correspondent Guy.)

The entry uses the inferior "humanzee" term as its heading, but you can't have everything.

Clearly some people have put serious thought into this.

An excerpt:

In a direct parallel to the chimp-human case, the Przewalski horse (Equus przewalskii) with 33 chromosome pairs, and the domestic horse (E. caballus) with 32 chromosome pairs, have been found to be interfertile, and produce semi-fertile offspring, where male hybrids can breed with female domestic horses).

Sounds pretty convincing to me!

Photography Showdown: Monkeys vs. Toddlers

You may have seen this story about a "cheeky black macaque" monkey stealing a camera and using it to take a fairly good self-portrait.

From a British news site called Metro:

David Slater had left his equipment around some crested black macaques when it was snatched by one.

‘They were quite mischievous jumping all over my equipment, and it looked like they were already posing for the camera when one hit the button,’ the 46-year-old said.

‘The sound got his attention and he kept pressing it. At first, it scared the rest of them away but they soon came back – it was amazing to watch.

‘He must have taken hundreds of pictures by the time I got my camera back but not very many were in focus. He obviously hadn’t worked that out yet.’

The award-winning photographer from Coleford, Gloucestershire was in a national park north of the Indonesian island of Sulawesi when he encountered the endangered monkeys.

I was impressed by the picture, especially since Elliot has taken a recent interest in photography — and he's nowhere near that good!

Here's a sampling.

Elliot's favorite subject is Yaya. Warning: Yaya isn't clothed in these pictures (though they're tastefully done). It may not be safe for work.

Here's one that's actually in focus.

One of his better shots of his mom.

Elliot snapped this in front of the Campanile, facing the wrong way. I guess he thought it would be too obvious to shoot the tower itself.

I'd say the monkeys have won this round.

A City Guy Learns to Trim His 'Parkway Strip'

I've lived in apartments for 15 years (until we moved to Berkeley). So it took me a while to realize I was supposed to be mowing the patch of grass in front of our house (the area between the sidewalk and the street).

Apparently this is called the "parkway strip." I noticed recently that our parkway strip is in worse shape than anyone else's on the entire block — and that's saying something, since this is South Berkeley.

I don't want to sound like even more of an incompetent dad than I already do, but I haven't mowed a lawn since I was in high school.

But I manned up and I borrowed a weed wacker from a neighbor (she even showed me how to string it).

The end result couldn't be described as "manicured." But I'm hoping it will keep me from running afoul of city authorities.

Up Against the Wall

Because I see Alice every day, it's hard to notice just how fast she's growing at this stage.

That's why it's fun to do the old marking-a-wall thing (even if we have to hold her up to measure).

She's almost grown a head taller since April 23rd. No wonder she cries so much!

Elliot, meanwhile, has slackened his pace.

Maybe the kid is poised for a growth spurt.

What a Difference Two Years Makes

The shoes of Elliot (at 2 years, nine months) and Alice (five months).

BuboBlog Reviews 'Midnight in Paris'

(We got to see "Midnight in Paris" while we were in Atlanta, thanks to ever-appreciated grandparent babysitting. Note: Atlanta movie-ticket prices have caught up with the Bay Area. They were $11 each, for a non 3-D picture.)

I'm always a little skeptical when critics hail Woody Allen's latest movie as his great comeback. They pretty much say this about every other film (and the ones they don't say it about are terrible). So you have to take it with a grain of salt. Similar phenomenon: Bob Dylan albums.

In the case of "Midnight in Paris," the acclaim is warranted — to an extent. It is the best Woody Allen movie in years (at least since "Match Point" in 2005). But it's more a case of him actually spending the time to craft a decent picture, rather than exhibiting a stroke of genius.

First off: The best part of "Midnight in Paris" is it doesn't have Woody Allen in it (he gives all his lines to Owen Wilson). The second-best part: It doesn't have Scarlett Johansson (she was okay in "Match Point," but was a big factor in making Allen's next film, "Scoop," into a campy mess). I think sooner or later the world is going to have to accept that she's not a very good actress.

Like many of Allen's films, "Midnight in Paris" spends its early scenes setting up a question (in this case: is the past more alluring than the present?) and then using a fantasy to explore it. The difference here is Allen actually spends the time to render interesting characters and write clever dialogue. The opening scenes of some of his other recent films feel like they were ad-libbed or written just before filming ("Melinda and Melinda"). With those efforts, it almost seemed as if Allen thought schlocky writing was part of his charm — perhaps as an homage to Vaudeville.

The tone and humor isn't much of a departure in "Midnight in Paris," but Allen has found a subject that lets him shine. Wilson plays a writer who travels back in time to Paris in the 1920s, where he meets Ernest Hemingway, Cole Porter, F. Scott Fitzgerald and virtually every other luminary from that era. Wilson is a delightful proxy for Allen, and the supporting actors are well-cast (though, something about Corey Stoll as Hemingway felt a little off). I loved the scene where Wilson suggests Luis Buñuel make a film about a dinner party that can't leave the room — but Buñuel doesn't understand what would stop them.

It's hardly worth trying to spot anachronisms here, since it's not as if Allen is aiming for realism. (Still, having Zelda Fitzgerald discuss lobotomies in the '20s stood out as an obvious flub.)

"Midnight in Paris" also has its share of corny jokes and a false notes (a scene where a private detective winds up in Louis XVI's court fell a little flat). And it's not as if Allen is reinventing himself here. But taken as a whole, the film serves as a fine reminder of why the man is still allowed to make movies.

BuboBlog Rating: 3 asterisks (out of 4).