'Write the Wrap'

The Examiner is holding a contest to write the headline for opening day of the Giants' season on March 31. The winning entry will appear on the outer "wrap" of the newspaper, so they're calling it the "Write the Wrap" contest.

Now, I have some experience in concocting catchy slogans for sports teams. In late 1995, the San Jose Mercury News asked readers to come up with a name for the 49ers' defensive line.

I submitted "Fort Knocks," which combined a gold motif with general ass-kicking. It won the contest, beating out scads of other suggestions.

“FORT KNOCKS”

Sadly, the 49ers were eliminated by the Green Bay Packers in the first round of the NFL playoffs that year. So my name didn't achieve immortality.

When it came to the "Write the Wrap" contest, I wanted to think of something that would evoke the Giants' penchant for growing beards, along with the "torture" theme that was so popular last season. Bonus points if it could reference Brian Wilson and his habit of saying "fact" at the end of statements (or his mysterious leather-clad companion named "The Machine").

Well, I regret to say that none of my submissions were selected for the top 10 finalists.

Here are the ones they chose.

And here are my suggestions:

“Orange and BACK”

“Repeat? Fact”

“Two-ture”

“Mutton champs”

(Get it? Because they have beards and they're champs? Mutton champs? Oh, forget it.)

The headline had to be 15 characters or fewer, which prevented me from suggesting my favorite choice.

“Torture II: Electric Beardaloo”

BuboBlog NoPa correspondent John had any even better suggestion along those lines.

“Beardinator II: Rise of the Machine”

Alas, greatness often isn't recognized in one's own time.